Jokes To Improve Your Vocabulary

Jokes to Increase Your Vocabulary


A Wife's Duty

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup , the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress . If you don't do the following , your husband will surely die...Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant , and make sure he is in a good mood . For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores , as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse . And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die"!



A Good Teacher

One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?". Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know.". The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?" Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a pig?"!



Improve Your Memory!

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"



Just One Copy

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder. "I just need one copy."



Heavenly Golf

Moses, Jesus, and an older bearded man were playing a round of golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It headed toward the water. Quickly, Moses raised his club and the water parted, allowing the ball to roll to the other side onto the fairway. Next, Jesus came up and hit his ball toward the same water hole. This time it hovered for a few seconds over the water. Casually, Jesus walked over to it and chipped it up onto the green. The older man then teed up and whacked the ball which headed over to a nearby highway. It bounced off the top of a truck and rolled down the gutter of a nearby house, then landed safely on a lily pad in a small pond where a large bullfrog swallowed it. At that moment a large eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As they passed over the golf course, the frog burped and the ball fell out of his mouth and into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, '' I hate playing with your dad.''



South for the Winter

Two friends in the town of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada were just fed up with the long, harsh winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia. They arrived in Australia still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots. They wandered into an airport pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where'er you from?" One of the Canadians replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan". The Aussie nodded his head in acknowledgement and returned to his table where his buddies asked, "So where are they from?" "Don't know," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."



Wife Control

Three men were at a bar, drinking beer. Two of the men were talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remained silent. After a while, the first two men turned to the third and asked, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?" The third man turned to the first two and said, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees." The first two men were dumbfounded. "Wow! What happened next?" they asked. The third man took a big swig of his beer, sighed and muttered, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"



Three Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first brother, Donald, said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second brother, Robert, said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third brother, Joseph, said, "You remember how mom enjoys reading Shakespeare. She can't see very well, so I sent her a remarkable parrot that can recite the complete works of Shakespeare. It took trainers 12 years to teach him - he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name a poem or a play and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. "Donald," she said, "the house you built is so big. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." To her second son, she wrote, "Robert, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's so much trouble!" Finally, to her third son, she wrote, "My dearest Joseph," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"



Supermarket Encounter

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.




Do you deserve to enter heaven?

A man died and went to heaven. An angel met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've examined your whole life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not sure whether we can admit you into heaven or not. Can you tell us anything exceptional you did that can help us make a decision?' The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him that he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!' 'I'm impressed,' The angel responded, 'When did this happen?' The man replied, 'About two minutes ago'.