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Learn English RiddlesRiddles are a good way to learn English because they involve playing with words and meaning. You have to think carefully to find the answer to these. After you remember these, you can practice speaking English by asking them to your friends. Then they, too, can laugh and learn English! Question: Why did the boy eat his homework? Answer: His teacher said it was a piece a cake! (The teacher meant that the homework is easy. Silly boy!) Question: How many letters are there in the alphabet? Answer: Eleven! (Most people answer 26, but count the letters in "the alphabet": t - h - e - a - l - p - h - a - b - e - t) Question: Which month has 28 days? Answer: All of them! (Not just February.)
Question: When is a car not a car?
Answer: When it turns into a parking lot. ("Turn into" means to change or become.) Question: What do you call your father-in-law'sonly child's mother-in-law? Answer: Mom! (Your father-in-law's child must be your spouse and your spouse's mother-in-law is your mother.) Question: What 11-letter English word does everyone pronounce incorrectly? Answer: "Incorrectly"! Question: How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and ride out again on Friday? Answer: His horse is named "Friday"! Question: If you drop a yellow hat into the red sea, what does it become? Answer: Wet! Question: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? Answer: A jeweler sells watches but a jailer watches cells
Funny Newspaper HeadlinesNewspaper headlines are one special type of English sentence. Because of limited space, some small words are left out. Instead of writing "A man was shot in the city", the headline writer will simply write "Man Shot in City". Because headlines are short and simple, they are a good way to learn English vocabulary. But sometimes there are mistakes. Some of the headlines below have two meanings. Other headlines have meanings that are TOO simple and don't really communicate anything at all! Please look at the headlines below and laugh and learn! Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case This sounds like the poor man must spend nine months in a very small box! What a terrible penalty! Actually "case" in this headline means "a court case" - I guess a valuable violin was stolen or destroyed. Of course, he will spend 9 months in an ordinary jail. I hope! Grandmother of Eight Makes A Hole in One Of course this grandmother didn't put a hole in one of her grandchildren! Actually, she was playing golf and hit a ball all the way from the beginning (the "tee") all the way to the final hole, all in one "stroke". Pretty amazing! Maybe a better headline would be "Golfing Grandma Makes Hole in One".
Eastern Head Seeks Arms Is there really a head out there with no arms? I guess it would also have no body! In this case, "head" and "arms" have special meanings. "Head" refers to the leader of a country and "arms" refers to weapons. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers "Jaywalkers" are people who do not cross the street at crosswalks but instead cross anywhere they want. This can be dangerous, so in some places the police try to arrest people or fine them (make them pay money to the government) when they do it. On the one hand, "run down" can mean "to hit with your car", so this sounds like a terrible punishment for jaywalkers. After all, jaywalking may be dangerous, but it's not such a serious crime. In this headline though, "run down" means "to chase", not "to hit with a car"! Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Wow! Did these sisters really have to wait in a supermarket checkout counter for 18 years? That's the worst service I've ever heard of! If the headline were "Two sisters reunited in checkout after 18 years apart", the meaning would be would be more clear, wouldn't it? Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half By now I'm sure you can guess that the students who dropped out were not cut into two pieces! Actually, the NUMBER of students who dropped out was cut in half, which is obviously a better result.
For more funny headlines, go to the King of Headlines, Jay Leno. His comments are sometimes hard for students to understand, but it's a great way to learn English!
Jokes to Increase Your VocabularyA Wife's Duty A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup , the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress . If you don't do the following , your husband will surely die...Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant , and make sure he is in a good mood . For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores , as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse . And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die"!
A Good Teacher One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?". Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know.". The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?" Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a pig?"!
Improve Your Memory! Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Just One Copy A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder. "I just need one copy."
Heavenly Golf Moses, Jesus, and an older bearded man were playing a round of golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It headed toward the water. Quickly, Moses raised his club and the water parted, allowing the ball to roll to the other side onto the fairway. Next, Jesus came up and hit his ball toward the same water hole. This time it hovered for a few seconds over the water. Casually, Jesus walked over to it and chipped it up onto the green. The older man then teed up and whacked the ball which headed over to a nearby highway. It bounced off the top of a truck and rolled down the gutter of a nearby house, then landed safely on a lily pad in a small pond where a large bullfrog swallowed it. At that moment a large eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As they passed over the golf course, the frog burped and the ball fell out of his mouth and into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, '' I hate playing with your dad.''
South for the Winter Two friends in the town of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada were just fed up with the long, harsh winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia. They arrived in Australia still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots. They wandered into an airport pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where'er you from?" One of the Canadians replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan". The Aussie nodded his head in acknowledgement and returned to his table where his buddies asked, "So where are they from?" "Don't know," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."
Wife Control Three men were at a bar, drinking beer. Two of the men were talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remained silent. After a while, the first two men turned to the third and asked, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?" The third man turned to the first two and said, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees." The first two men were dumbfounded. "Wow! What happened next?" they asked. The third man took a big swig of his beer, sighed and muttered, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
Three Gifts Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first brother, Donald, said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second brother, Robert, said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third brother, Joseph, said, "You remember how mom enjoys reading Shakespeare. She can't see very well, so I sent her a remarkable parrot that can recite the complete works of Shakespeare. It took trainers 12 years to teach him - he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name a poem or a play and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. "Donald," she said, "the house you built is so big. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." To her second son, she wrote, "Robert, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's so much trouble!" Finally, to her third son, she wrote, "My dearest Joseph," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
Supermarket Encounter A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Do you deserve to enter heaven? A man died and went to heaven. An angel met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've examined your whole life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not sure whether we can admit you into heaven or not. Can you tell us anything exceptional you did that can help us make a decision?' The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him that he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!' 'I'm impressed,' The angel responded, 'When did this happen?' The man replied, 'About two minutes ago'.
